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Your Kid's Aggressive Behavior
What is Aggression? Aggression is never simply a spontaneous eruption of a child's negative impulses. It always means something. Anger is an emotion that is caused by frustration. Aggression means trying to hurt a person or to destroy property. It is normal to have some anger and aggression, and actually healthy. These feelings help us to get things done, when used in a positive way. But excessive amounts of anger and aggression used negatively and destructively may point toward an emotional problem. For children the aggressive act is an expression of the need to define himself as an independent person. Observe and discuss with your child the emotions of others to help him understand how people feel when they are treated badly. TV and books are useful tools for teaching your child to recognize the feelings of others. Treat your child with empathy and respect, and he will learn to treat others in the same way. An ideal opportunity to teach your child how to handle angry feelings is when you and your spouse have an argument. Your child can learn principles of listening well, remaining calm, cooling off, and negotiating a solution by your example. Do you and your spouse often lose control emotionally? Name-calling, hateful words, and, of course, physical aggression by parents are directly modeled by aggressive children. Harsh physical punishment and abuse also lead to an aggressive pattern of externalizing painful emotions. Children need to understand the difference between right and wrong. A healthy sense of guilt when they do wrong is a good thing. Feeling " shame " rather than "guilt", however, is associated with aggressive behavior. Parents should be realistic in their praise of the child. As children reach the elementary years, they need to have an accurate perception of their abilities and relationships. Children DO model aggressive behavior from TV, movies, and games. If your child has a problem with aggressive behavior, you should definitely limit or eliminate his viewing of this type of programming now. Parental practices that are associated with aggressive behavior in children include: 1. Poor supervision 2. Harsh or erratic discipline 3. Parental disharmony 4. Rejection of the child 5. Low involvement in the child's activities 6. Lack of encouragement and reinforcement of polite or considerate behavior in the child, combined with giving attention and reinforcement to the child when he yells or throws a tantrum. Defusing Aggressive Behavior in Kids If you are concerned over your child's aggressive behavior: • Pay attention. Kids do perceive whether or not adults care about teasing and bullying. If adults don't seem to worry, bullying boosts. • Show your concern. Let kids know what you're observing, ask questions, respond to changes in behavior and point out inappropriately aggressive talk and behavior. • Consider the motivation. • Model the values you want to see in your kids. • Foster compassion. Give children opportunities to express their inborn need to help, to express sensitivity, and to make a difference in caring ways. Dealing with disobedience tips: • Use natural and logical consequences for problem behavior. The purpose here is to get kids to make the right decision, not to bend them to your will. Be patient-it may take time for you to see results. • Be firm and kind. Follow through on the natural and logical consequences. • Have a few positively stated rules, and explain the reasons behind them. • Make sure your child understands the results of breaking the rules. • Praise your child for good behavior. Catch your child being good, and tell them you noticed. • Redirect your child and help them find a better place, or safer way to do what they are trying to do. • Remove your child from the cause of the problem behavior, or remove the cause of the problem from the child. Give the Right Message to Your Child When parents respond aggressively to a child's hostile behavior-or if they use abusive language or gestures in their relationship with each other-they need to be aware they are giving a preschooler a clear message: Violence is an acceptable way to handle a difficult situation. This may not be the message parents intend to communicate, but it's the one the child will pick up. All of us need a sufficient amount of healthy aggression in order to help us get things done. We need it to solve all kinds of problems, to play sports, to go out into the world and earn a living, and to raise a family. But we must not allow our aggression to control us; we must be in charge of it so we use it for good purposes. That is what children must learn, and what we as parents must teach.
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