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The Conception – Real and Symbolic Changes
But this is not the end of the story. Being well informed about the hormonal, physical, emotional and psychological impact of your new baby is also very important. Pregnancy is a time of growth and hope, but it is also a time when a woman is very defenseless. You are likely to experience a perplexity of emotions. For many women, the first and third trimesters are complicated. Not everyone experiences the glow of the perfect pregnancy. Some women have mixed feelings, and uncontrollable mood swings. Not all pregnancies are easy, and it is important to know that one in ten women is depressed during pregnancy. It may be the first time in your adult life when you feel so incredibly fragile and dependent. If this is a long-awaited planned-for pregnancy, there may be intense joy, coupled with ambivalence. Whether or not your pregnancy is the natural outcome of a loving partnership, or of a long, expensive fertility treatment, or it is unplanned and ill timed, the issues remain the same. You cannot know what to expect when you are "expecting" - not really, even if this is not your first baby. The birth of each baby is a unique experience, at a unique time of your life. You may feel... • lonely, • stressed, • frustrated, • trapped, and • overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety and sadness. Important issues often need to be dealt with at this time, some related to the past, and some to the future. Doing so, will help to make your home safe and secure for your baby. You will prepare your baby's physical place in the world - his room, his clothes, the name. Part of the preparation is for you - seeing to your emotional well being, so that you can be your child's best possible mother. You are your baby's most important person, so take care of yourself. This is your greatest gift to your unborn child. The relationship of a mother with her unborn child is paradoxical. Two bodies in one, one inside the other. A symbiotic relationship, with the mother as the life force for the child. The mother is drawn into a union with another being, that literally feeds on her. It is a time of change, spiritual and physical. The mother's body will never again be the same as it was before. Nor will her mind. The "silver cord" that binds her to her baby will never be severed. This is a time when fact and fantasy play together. As the woman's body alters to accommodate the new life, she imagines the child she carries. The circumstances of the conception, of course, play an important part in how the woman will enjoy her pregnancy. It may feel like an invasion of her being, or as a wonderful gift that fills an aching emptiness. This may be a first pregnancy or an extension to the family, the first pregnancy with a new partner, or a "replacement" baby after a miscarriage or previous loss. It may be a longed-for result of fertility treatment or the result of a rape. The woman may have planned the pregnancy, as an attempt to undo the past, or re-frame the future. She may have become pregnant in order to please someone else, or to beat her biological clock, or as an attempt to improve her marital relationship. It may be a pure, creative urge, or the result of wanting to feel "special". She may have a steady partner, or she may not. Whatever the background to the pregnancy, the impact is huge, physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually. New Body, New Self With the new identity, the woman is herself reborn. New fears and anxieties are triggered, many of them dating back from her own pre-verbal experiences. And with these, inevitably, are concerns about the well-being and perfection of the unborn child, and apprehension about the birth experience, about doing it right, about being a good enough mother. Other women treat the pregnant woman differently. If she is the first of a group of friends to become pregnant, it may isolate her to some extent. She enters a new level of relationship with her own parents, no longer just an, albeit adult, child/daughter. If her parents are deceased or far away, the chances are that she will miss them greatly at this time. She is very vulnerable. Vulnerability At a deep, unconscious level, it seems, memory traces of primitive experiences are awakened, often impossible to explain logically, and surfacing in dreams and inchoate memories. Tender psychological issues are touched on: feelings about her body image may resonate on reasons for the experience of eating disorders, for example. Primitive, childish fears or memories of abandonment often resurface at this time. The pregnant woman needs, more than ever before, to feel safe and secure and supported by those around her. She will have dreams about this baby, imagining how it will look, what talents it will have, worrying, perhaps about the possibility that it will not be perfect. More than anything, the woman will want to be the best mother in the world. To do it right. Even at this stage, the fear of making mistakes and the consequent guilt will probably haunt the pregnant mother. No wonder she feels fragile at times. No matter how happy she is to be pregnant, she will also be scared: that's part of the paradox. What to do? • Stay close to people who are supportive, sensitive and uncritical. • Be well informed. • Keep communication open and friendly with your partner - if needs be, have some marriage/couple counseling. • Know that even the best birth-plan may not come to fruition; that it doesn't mean you are a failure if things work out differently. • Try not to make major changes to your life at this time - the baby will be enough of a challenge. Don't move house, get a new pet, do major renovations etc. • If you are feeling very anxious or depressed most of the time, don't just tell yourself that it will go away, although it may. Talk to someone about it: your gynecologist, childbirth educator, GP, your partner, mother or a trusted friend. • Know that 1 pregnant woman in 10 suffers from Ante-natal Depression. It is not her fault.
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