Bullying

Bullies can take the fun out of school - where bullying happens most - and turn something simple like a ride on the bus, stop at a locker, or walk to the bathroom into a scary event that's anticipated with worry all day.

Sadly, bullying is widespread. If your child is a victim of bullying, you can help reduce intimidation and fear by listening and offering to help. If your child is the bully, you'll need to emphasize that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, as well as discuss why he or she might be doing it and how to stop it.

Also, despite the common notion that bullying is a problem mostly among boys, both boys and girls bully. But boys and girls can vary in the ways they bully. Girls tend to inflict pain on a psychological level. Boys aren't as subtle and they can get physical.

There are many reasons why kids may become bullies. Bullies frequently target people who are different. Then, they seek to exploit those differences. They choose victims who they think are unlikely to retaliate. That means children who are overweight, wear glasses, or have obvious physical differences like big ears or severe acne are common subjects for ridicule.

Bullies may also turn to this abusive behavior as a way of dealing with a difficult situation at home, such as a divorce. Bullies might not realize how hurtful their actions can be, but some know the pain firsthand because they've been bullied or have been victims of abuse themselves. Some bullies think their behavior is normal because they come from families in which everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, and/or calls names. They copy what they know. And just like the children they're tormenting, bullies often have low self-esteem.

The Different Ways Kids Bully

Bullying behavior isn't always easy to define.

* Verbal bullying usually involves name-calling, incessant mocking, and laughing at a child's expense.

* Emotional bullying can involve isolating or excluding a child from activities or spreading rumors. This kind of bullying is especially common among girls.

* Physical bullying can accompany verbal bullying and involves things like kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, or threats of physical harm.

* Racist bullying preys on children through racial slurs, offensive gestures, or making jokes about a child's cultural traditions.

* Sexual bullying involves unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive or inappropriate comments.

What Are Some Signs That a Child Is Being Bullied?

* inventing mysterious illnesses to avoid school (for example, stomachaches, headaches, etc.)

* missing belongings or money

* sleeping problems

* bedwetting

* irritability

* poor concentration

* unexpected changes in routine

* problems with schoolwork

Being bullied can also have long-term consequences, affecting the way children form relationships as adolescents and adults and even possibly leading to more serious problems like substance abuse and depression. In addition, bully victims are more likely to experience withdrawn behavior such as anxiety and depression.

Helping Your Child Stop Bullying

If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from a sibling or from you or another parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behavior outside the home. What may seem like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviors. Constant teasing - whether it's at home or at school - can also affect a child's self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel bad (bullying) can give them a sense of power.

In addition to maintaining a positive home atmosphere, there are a number of ways you can encourage your child to give up bullying:

* Emphasize that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home.

* Teach your child to treat people who are different with respect and kindness.

* Find out if your child's friends are also bullying.

* Set limits. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find nonviolent ways to react.

* Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.

* Talk with school staff and ask how they can help your child change his or her bad behavior. Be sure to keep in close contact with the staff.

* Set realistic goals and don't expect an immediate change. As your child learns to modify his or her behavior, assure your child that you still love him or her - it's the behavior you don't like.

How to Help if Your Child Is Being Bullied

Being a good listener is one of the best ways to comfort your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing you care can be helpful. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable while discussing bullying and how it makes him or her feel, so it's important to show your love and support.

If you find out that your child is being bullied, don't add to the burden by becoming angry. Although it's understandable to be upset, be careful not to let your child see that. Your sadness could be misinterpreted as disappointment. Be sure to validate your child's feelings - don't minimize them.

You should also reassure your child that he or she isn't to blame. Explain that bullies are often confused or unhappy people who don't feel good about themselves.

Help Your Child

The key to helping your child deal with bullying is to help him or her regain a sense of dignity and recover damaged self-esteem. To help ward off bullies, give your child these tips:

* Hold the anger. It's natural to want to get really upset with a bully, but that's exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry or violent not solve the problem, it will only make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over your child's emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it adds fuel to the bully's fire - getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful.

* Never get physical or bully back. Emphasize that your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it's best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.

* Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye and say something like, "I want you to stop right now." Counsel your child to then walk away and ignore any further taunts. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother your child.

* Use humor. If your child is in a situation in which he or she has to deal with a bully and can't walk away with poise, tell him or her to use humor or give the bully a compliment to throw the bully off guard. However, tell your child not to use humor to make fun of the bully.

* Tell an adult. If your child is being bullied, emphasize that it's very important to tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help to stop it. Studies show that schools where principals crack down on this type of behavior have less bullying.

* Talk about it. It may help your child to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give your child the support he or she needs. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when your child is being bullied.

* Use the buddy system. Enlisting the help of friends or a group may help both your child and others stand up to bullies. The bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all, so a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers.

* Develop more friendships by joining social organizations, clubs, or sports programs.

Getting Help for Both Bullies and Kids Being Bullied

A big part of helping your child is not being afraid to ask others for assistance and advice. Whether your child is being bullied or is the one doing the bullying, you may need to get outside help. In addition to talking to your child's teachers, you may also want to take advantage of school counseling services and talk with your child's doctor, who may be able to refer you to a mental health professional.