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"Difficult" Kids

As every parent knows, some children are harder to handle than others. Variously referred to by experts as difficult, sensitive, challenging, quirky or spirited, children with atypical temperaments can become much easier to manage when you learn just how broad the range of "normal" is. Your child may scream, "You're not the boss of me!," but what he's really telling you is "I'm not you," and it's sometimes done in ways that leave you at a loss. By learning more about what to expect, you can keep both you and your child from toppling off the developmental roller coaster.

Try to remember the golden principle - The more Authority you have, the less you will need to punish. Effective discipline is a two part plan - Planned Actions and Reactions. Planned actions are shared with the child and are not to take place during the heat of the moment. Reactions are on the spot responses.

There are a few facts all parents of difficult children should know.

1)Difficult Children are Normal. They are not emotionally disturbed, mentally ill or brain damaged. Difficult is very different than abnormal from a medical standpoint.

2)Difficult children are like this because of their innate makeup. We all have an inborn temperament. No one asks for certain traits, it is not their fault.

3)Difficult children are hard to raise.

4)Difficult children are NOT all the same. The temperament and traits will vary from child to child even within a family.

5)Difficult children make their parents feel angry, inadequate or guilty. And these feelings lead to ineffective discipline.

6)Difficult children can create marital strain, family discord, problems with siblings and end up with emotional problems of their own.

7)Difficult children can become positive, enthusiastic, perhaps even especially creative individuals if they are well managed when young.

Types of "Difficult" Kids

How do you know if your child fits the profile of a difficult, sensitive, challenging, quirky or spirited child?

Here are some of the descriptions professionals use when describing a child who strains his or her parents' coping abilities:

• has a high activity level, gets into things all the time, behaves wildly;

• is distractible, impulsive;

• is intense, loud;

• is stubborn, disobedient;

• is highly sensitive, either emotionally or to sound, light or other sensory input;

• doesn't like new situations, people, food or clothes, or refuses to give things up once used to them;

• is negative and complaining.

The way these traits show up in any particular child is different.

Has your child's potty training been a back-and-forth process? Does she refuse to take a bath or go to bed? Will he eat nothing but macaroni and cheese? Do the tags in her shirts or the seams in her socks drive her crazy? Is he having a very hard time sharing his belongings? Is he aggressive toward peers and perhaps toward you when you say "No"? Can she focus on TV but not your directions? Is she non-stop movement, or consumed by moodiness or always fearful?

Strategies for Coping

• Teach limits and healthy self-expression. Teach your children to name the emotion they're experiencing so the feelings can be managed.

• Empathize. Recognize that your child is having a difficult time and needs your compassion. Be respectful of her individual differences. You might tell her about a similar time in your own life and what you felt.

• Project confidence in your child.

• Shape good behavior. Pay more attention to your child's more mature behaviors than her whiney, bratty ones. Make a point of telling your child how positive and appealing such grown-up behavior is.

• Get help.

- Are your child's ordinary daily activities affected by the odd things he says or does?
- Are either you or your child very upset about her behavior?
- How atypical is this behavior compared to that of others of her age, gender and cultural group?
- Are there good reasons for the unusual behavior?

If you aren't sure what's normal, consult a good parenting book or check with someone experienced with young children's behavior, such as a preschool teacher or a pediatrician. Or consider seeing a mental health professional.
Barring serious disorders, what you usually have is a little person with a personality in riotous bloom.