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Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is often a fact of life in homes with multiple children, and 59% of families with kids have more than one. It happens much to the apprehension of frazzled and exhausted parents. Are you sick and tired of all these quarrels and complains? At least you can find some comfort in the fact that your kids aren't the only ones pinching, teasing, and arguing with each other. So why can't we all just get along? When you have some people living in close up nearness, it's going to be difficult for anyone - especially for kids, who don't have any interpersonal and handling skills that adults have. It seems that they always try to find some faults with each other. Siblings are also opposing over some limited resources (such as food or parental attention) and want a bigger "piece of the pie." Of course, in some cases, provoking a brother or sister is just plain fun. For many kids, it's a real sport to try to get a powerful reaction from a sibling or a parent, and the bonus is extra parental attention. What are the reasons for these family fights? Do they have to challenge each other all the time? Whatever the causes may be, there's no denying that sibling enmity or jealousy can be one of the most frustrating and challenging situations parents have to deal with during the child-rearing years. And dealing with it is necessary. Parents may be the only ones in the situation to interfere when rivalries sparkle up, and they're the ones who need to control a situation that's in danger of getting out of hand. Deciding when to intervene can be a tricky judgment call. Sometimes it's best to let children work the conflict out themselves, but at other times parents need to take a much more active role as mediator or dispenser of punishments or rewards. Here are some tips on how to deal with squabbling siblings best: Monitor the problem from the distance Keep tabs on the situation (do a little casual eavesdropping if you have to) so that you can make sure the quarrel doesn't get out of control or even abusive. Try to find out what the situation is at real and is their complaints seem adequate to it. Remember - as long as it doesn't escalate into something dangerous, try to stay out of it. This way you're teaching the kids to work problems out on their own. Avoid taking sides If you do have to interfere in an argument, try to stay as neutral as possible. Do your best to avoid making a judgment, any decision or statement about who's right or wrong. Giving any sort of differential treatment can often seem like favoritism in children's eyes - and that can quickly lead to more jealousy and feelings of unfairness among siblings. Don't dismiss your children' feelings When a child says, "My brother makes me really angry," you shouldn't say, "No, you shouldn't feel that way." It's important to respect their feelings and not to suppress any thoughts of anger, irritation or frustration they may have. Encourage them to express their emotions - after all, talking about it to you is a much better alternative than a child taking it out on his or her sibling. Never make comparisons between siblings Comparing one child with another almost certainly winds up uphold existing negative feelings in at least one sibling, as well as creating doubt about the child's own self-worth. If children don't measure up favorably with siblings, then they may think they're not worthy, and it can be a blow to their self-esteem. Instead, focus on each child individually. Besides, creating unnecessary feelings of jealousy may exacerbate the sibling rivalry. Create consequences and stick to them It's a good idea to sit your kids down when they're old enough to have a talk about your expectations for behavior and the quality of family interaction. Make them understand that you are tired of all their screams and quarrels and if they don't stick to the rules you going to state, there will be consequences. Whatever the punishment (no TV, no friends, no phone-figure out what motivates each child the most and then take that away), be sure you actually carry through with it. Removing the thing they like the most is the best way to ensure changed behavior, so consistently sticking to your threats is a must. Try to make individual space and time for each child Carving out one-on-one time to spend with each sibling is a great way to provide some extra attention and help them feel unique and loved. Maybe take each child on a special outing every now and then instead of always doing things with all the kids. Taking the time to treat them as individuals with their own distinctive identities can do wonders towards reducing rivalry between siblings when they are acting up in a bid for more attention. Learn to see individuality in your child and respect it. Encourage different interests Help each of your children to find themselves. Children's hobbies and activities are primarily determined by their own interests, but it's not a bad idea to help them develop talents in different areas. If siblings aren't competing over the same activities (and thus with each other), they'll have more room to shine on their own which is very important. Help them identify their own strengths and talents, and then encourage and hearten them to find their own niche in life activity. Involve older children in the care of their younger siblings If a new baby is coming, prepare your child for the idea that they're going to have a younger sibling. Once the infant arrives, engage older siblings in the care of the newborn and talk to them about the responsibilities of being a big brother or sister. By involving them in the child-rearing task, they may adopt a nurturing relationship with the younger sibling. Also, when the new baby comes home from the hospital, you want to make sure that the older child isn't left out from all the attention. Of course, if you've tried different techniques and you feel like you just can't control an extremely severe case of sibling rivalry, you should seek for some professional help (there are psychologists trained to deal with these situations). But if you're like most families, the rivalries will largely fade away as children get more mature. Until then, do your best to work towards not just a peace between siblings, but a spirit of cooperativeness in the home and between all the members of your family.
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