Teen: Communication

Secondly, your teenager begins to become sensitive to her lack of skills. She may feel that adults are good at talking. Adults seem to be able to find the right words, while she might feel unable to do this. So when it seems your child is a sullen teenager, it may be that she lacks confidence to express things in the right way.

Why do we need communication?

Communication is the key to good family relationships. Without being able to talk easily, your teenager can't let you know what she needs, you can't offer support and care, and neither of you can negotiate boundaries and acceptable behaviour.

Different types of communication

Communication goes on all the time - even if no words are exchanged. It occurs through gestures, eye contact (or the lack of it), touch and even the way you stand when you look at someone. As a parent, you're communicating with your teenager all the time, even though she may not speak to you very much.

What you should do

There are many ways you can encourage and help your teenager to speak with you.

* Make time to listen - many teenagers say their parents don't listen to them. Communication is a two-way street: if you want her to listen, you have to make sure you're willing to do the same.

* Show respect for your teenager's point of view - take a deep breath and be willing to acknowledge that she may have something worthwhile to say.

* Try to act as a role model for your teenager - find ways of modelling good communication in your home, with your partner or with younger children.

* Be flexible - be willing to talk at times or in places that suit your teen, rather than you.

What you shouldn't do

* Score points - like all of us, teenagers don't like being put down or feeling that adults are playing power games.

* Push your ideas down your teen's throat - if you try to impose them on her, she'll inevitably reject what you have to offer.

* Make snap judgements - listen to your teen before you jump to conclusions. There's nothing worse for a teenager than to find you have a closed mind and aren't willing to listen to her views.

Tips for talking to teens

* Take the cue from your teenager. There's absolutely no point barging your way in, saying you want to talk, when she's rushing to get ready for a night out. Try to catch her at a time when she's relaxed.

* Try to spend time alone with your teenager, without other children being around. Go out for a coffee or visit the cinema, if there aren't any opportunities at home.

* Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested. Teenagers are often much less fascinated by their parents than they were as younger children!

* Use open questions that don't just need a yes/no response. That is, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"

* Guard against using a chat as an excuse to nag or tell off.

* Never put a young person down for their views or ideas. Don't say: "That's so stupid. How can you possibly think that?" They need your approval, even though they'd never admit to it.

* Treat your teen with respect - much as you would another adult.

* When you both have different points of view and a disagreement is inevitable, it's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, which will lead to resentment. This means compromise. So don't say "I want your room cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think you can tidy it up?"

* Listen and reflect back what you hear. For example: "So, there's just too much coursework to manage?" Active listening such as this is also about looking beyond the words for what's really being felt and said.

* No matter how well intentioned your advice, your teen is probably not going to be keen to take it. What's important is paying careful attention to the young person, keeping quiet to give them a chance to talk and not rushing in with your opinion.

* Use all the informal opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving them somewhere often leads to great conversations.

* Show you're genuinely interested when your teen tells things, by using body language and eye contact. Stop what you're doing to listen, if possible.

* Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear. Comments such as: "Are you telling me they were smoking?" are the surest way to close down communication.

If there are really difficult issues you feel you have to talk about - such as bad grades or worries about risky behaviour - it's even more important to find a time when there are no external pressures and you're feeling calm. Using "I" statements always helps. Say "I'm worried about the way your school work is slipping," not "You're doing really badly in school."

Explain your concerns calmly and listen carefully to her side of the story. It's fine to stress what you believe in and what your values are - and to be clear if there are any aspects of her behaviour you want her to change.