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Teenager’s Problems
When we become confused over situations and issues that arise with our teen let's set a question "whose problem is it?" that will help us define healthy boundaries. It provides us with a framework to determine whether an issue is primarily our teenager's problem, our problem, or a problem that affects both of us. We are then better able to determine whether to act or not, and if we decide to act, what action should be most appropriate. Among the most obvious issues for which this framework helps are curfews, grades, messy rooms, rudeness, personal grooming, driving, peer influences, drugs and alcohol use, and sexual activity. In each of these areas our teen makes choices that represent a measure of their independence. Do they join the crowd and drink? Do they want to study for the quiz the next day or talk to a friend on the telephone? Is it worth it to break a curfew and pay the consequences? And where do we fit in with all these choices? Let's see if we can find some guidelines that will help us see where we have responsibility and where we don't. Share the Space A familiar issue for many of us is a messy bedroom. Whose problem is it if our teen has a messy room? When we think about it, this is their personal space and an area where they can express themselves. The colors on the wall, the posters that represent their favorite music groups, and the clothes piled high in every corner are within an area they can call their own, their sanctuary. A closed door and music playing represents their independence, and for many parents is an area where they allow independence. If our teenager can't find clean clothes, that is their problem. We don't need to rescue them. If the music volume is deafening, that is a shared problem. Together, acceptable noise levels must be established. Our Problem The changes that can happen in how our teenager speaks to us and treats us can sometimes be problematic. For example, in the quest for establishing distance from the family and showing independence a teenager starts acting rude and antagonistic. He or she may sulks, snaps back, and swears. Our teenager may not see that such behavior is a problem; in fact to the teen, it feels good and appropriate to express herself in that way. However, being treated rudely certainly is a problem for us, so it is up to us to be clear in our expectations of how we want to be treated. This behavior can be very upsetting and throw us off balance if we aren't careful. In fact, these angry situations are excellent places to set an example of calm problem resolution, after all, we are the adult! Let's See There are areas where the issue that arises has direct impact on both us and our teenager. Driving privileges, curfew, and telephone usage are some of the daily issues that come up because we are living under the same roof. In the cases where there are areas of possible conflict or misunderstanding, mutually agreed upon guidelines and consequences should be defined ahead of time. Then when there is a problem over a specific situation, the guidelines are a place to start, a common ground has been established. Of course, it is important that our teenager feels that these guidelines are open for discussion and adjustment, as our teen demonstrates the ability to handle increased independence. For some teenagers, the guidelines we develop together provide an important sense of security, something they can fall back on as support for getting out of difficult situations. We can be a more subtle but powerful influence when our teen faces the need to make decisions about drugs, alcohol, and sexual behavior. It is important to realize that these are areas where we really have little or no control. What we can do is remain open, listen carefully to their words, be aware of their nonverbal behavior, and be good role models. Always show your teenager that you are ready to listen and to help whatever may happen. It is important that we let our teen know that we are available for whatever they need. These areas can be very frightening for us because the wrong choices can be terribly destructive for our teen. But still they have to feel that they have their own space and right to decide. We know that the decisions they make regarding these important issues will impact their lives and we care. But we also have to balance these fears by remembering that this is the age of experimenting, and their actions don't mean they will be locked into certain choices for a life time. This is a good time to reflect on our own teenage time, and the fact that even though we may have experimented and made choices that led to difficulties; we survived and came out okay. If our adolescence was smoother than that of our teen, we can remember that a sibling or friend had problems and somehow made it through. Remembering these past experiences may help us develop a balanced perspective and give our teenager some space. However, if our teen shows tell-tale signs that he or she is having significant or continual troubles, we should communicate our concern to them, and possibly seek outside help. If you are currently having difficulty with your teenager, can you see that what they are doing is part of their becoming more independent? Take an issue that is bothering you about your teenager and look at it within the "Whose problem is it?" framework. If the problem belongs primarily to your teen, can you release some control? If the problem belongs to both of you, can you become clearer with your teen about how the problem is impacting you? Whatever it is remember that your child expect your care and attention. Take a moment and seek clarity about the issue. Try to sort out your part in the situation, and replace feelings of helplessness and frustration with a growing sense of being capable to deal with any problems that might arise. We can shift the dialogue between ourselves and our teen by asking ourselves the question: "To which part do I want to relate?" Can you, being an adult, bring forth your adult and deeper self to listen and respond in a caring and firm way? Try it!
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