"The Talk" About Sex

Many families belong to particular religious denominations, while others have a strong sense of spirituality without belonging to an organized faith community. Still others talk about values and beliefs without discussing religion or spirituality at all. Whatever your relationship to religion, it's important that you talk with your child about sexuality in the framework of your own personal, moral views.

While it does take some forethought, parents can provide correct information to their children about sexuality, and reinforce their spiritual values. Here are some tips you might consider when doing so:

Be clear about your own values. Before you speak with your child about sexuality, think about what your values are. What do you believe? What does your faith tradition say? It is important to give your children realistic information - and to be very detailed about how your beliefs either agree with or differ from science.

Facts vs. beliefs. Sometimes, factual information can challenge a personal belief or what a faith community believes. Explain that people are allowed to disagree with each other, and that differing views should be respected, as long as those views are based on ethics, responsibility, justice, equality and nonviolence.

Practice what you preach. Young people often find it confusing when parents talk about a value regarding sexuality and then act in a way that does not support that value. Some common values about sexuality and relationships that most people support include honesty, equality, responsibility, and respect for differences. Acting on your values and being a good role model are powerful messages for your children. Otherwise your beliefs will not seem very important or valuable to your children if they don't see you respect and abide by them yourself.

Don't preach. Have a conversation with your children. Find out what they think and how they feel about sexuality and relationships. Then you will be able to share information and respond to questions in ways that will echo with the belief system they are developing for themselves.

Sense of pride. All children deserve to be wanted and loved, and parents can reinforce this point. Let them know you are interested in what they think and how they feel about any topic, whether it is sexuality, school, religion, the future or whatever. When your children share feelings with you, praise them for it. Correct misinformation gently, and reinforce your values whenever possible.

Keep the conversation going. Too often, parents think they need to collect enough information and energy to be prepared to have "THE TALK" with their children. However, sexuality is a part of every person's life from the moment he or she is born. It is important, therefore, to start the conversation early, and to make it clear to your children that you are always willing to talk about sexuality - whenever questions come up for them.

Explore your own attitudes. Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex - because their moms and dads speak openly and listen carefully to them - are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviour as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject. So explore your feelings about sex. If you are very uncomfortable with the subject, read some books and discuss your feelings with a trusted friend, relative, physician, or clergy member.

Talk about more than the "Birds and the Bees". While our children need to know the biological facts about sex, they also need to understand that sexual relationships involve caring, concern and responsibility. By discussing the emotional aspect of a sexual relationship with your child you make them know that it is not only the facts but also the feelings.

One aspect that many parents overlook when discussing sex with their child is dating. As opposed to movies, where two people meet and later end up in bed together, in real life there is time to get to know each other - time to hold hands, go bowling, see a movie, or just talk. Children need to know that this is an important part of a caring relationship.

Anticipate the next stage of development. Children can get frightened and bewildered by the rapid changes their bodies begin to go through as they reach puberty. To help stop any anxiety, talk with your kids not only about their current stage of development but about the next stage, too.

Relax. Don't worry about knowing all the answers to your children's questions; what you know is a lot less important than how you respond.

---

What to discuss:

• Assure your child that her development is normal and natural.

• Inform your child about the changes that will happen during puberty, before they occur.

• Teach her the benefits of abstaining from sex.

• Help your children learn to say no to someone who tries to pressure them into sex.

• Make sure your child has the necessary information about pregnancy and how STDs are transmitted.

• Discuss the "right" and "wrong" reasons to have sex.

• Remind her that friends often exaggerate, so their stories about sex may not be true.

What your child should know:

• Understand that human sexuality is a normal part of life

• Know that sexual feelings are normal

• Know what changes to expect in their bodies, including menstruation and "wet dreams"

• Understand that sex gives pleasure and is also the way to make a baby

• Be aware of sexual abuse and other forms of sexual exploitation, and know how to respond to such dangers

• Know how sexually transmissible diseases are transmitted, prevented, and treated